Sunday Scripture {sufficient grace}

 

"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

 

(Another photo taken in Northern Michigan on a Fall camping trip with my husband - I have lots!)

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Linking up with Diedra's Sunday Community today:



Sunday Scripture {never wasted...}

 

*So embarrassed by my misspelling on the link up! If you are visiting from there, thank you for checking into what a "waster" is, lol!

 

 

 

(on the shore of Whitefish Bay, Lake Superior)

 

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Linking up with Diedra's Sunday Community today:

Changes

My living room is beginning to fill up with boxes, representative of the "what ifs" finding their way into my mind. In just a couple weeks we are leaving our home of the past almost 8 years. Not because we sold it and have to move. Not because we are being forced out or can't afford it. No, we don't fit the norm in this area either. We are leaving with an unpaid mortgage. And we hate that. We have struggled with it, and talked to many "advisers", but we both feel in our hearts that it is time to surrender, and move on. To step out in faith and take the next step.

It is our first home. I am definitely fine with moving out of our neighborhood, which is why we are leaving. It has become more and more unsafe over the years, to the point that dh doesn't even walk the dog anymore. We are prisoners in our own home.

This house, this city, our "imprisonment" (due to such an upside down mortgage) have been very big tools that God has used in my life (and dh's) to teach so many lessons, which make for future blog posts. And for that I am so thankful. But it's also the home that we now know, for certain, we will never have little feet walking around in. It was not meant to happen here. Something we didn't know 8 years ago when we moved in. So with moving, there are some twinges of sadness that accompany it.

We have seen the comfort of God's hand in this new chapter as it begins unfolding. From a "random" phone call dh received one morning from someone we go to church with wondering if we, out of all people, wanted to rent his family's house because he thought we rented ours (which dh originally turned down even investigating the offer due to the fact that we own ours), to the timing of this possibility even coming about (a home invasion had just happened on our block where the homeowner was robbed and seriously injured - just one of the regular occurrences of crime around here anymore). I had just prayed that morning that God would provide an opportunity for us to be able to move.

So, are we excited? Yes. Nervous? Yes. Wanting to get the paperwork and legal "stuff" out of the way super fast? Most definitely! So please pray for us if you think of it. This "move" doesn't end when the last box is unloaded. It will likely be months, but we are praying that it's not and that this process is over quickly.

(A double rainbow over our house this Spring.)

Food, Faith & (in)Fertility....and Friday!!

{food}

I haven't made any new recipes this week, but when I was looking through some pictures this evening, I remembered that I forgot to post about the Girl's Lunch I recently was a part of :) Grandma treated us to lunch a few Saturday's back, at an Italian restaurant she loves and we had a great time laughing and eating good food:

Mom and Me

 Grandma and My Sister

 My awesome Chicken Penne Gorgonzola Pasta and Smoked Turkey & Bacon Panini (turkey, applewood smoked bacon, gorgonzola, mozzarella and roma tomatoes)!

Baked Potato Soup

Hungary anyone??? :-)-

{faith}

An awesome article I read this week about the "caves" of our lives and how they prepare us to fulfill God's purposes for our lives....click to read "Caves".

{(in)Fertility}

I am very excited to read this book this summer. I will post a review of it when I finish the current book that I am reading for a book review program I'm in. This book is motivation for finishing my current one.

But in just skimming through this book, I am very much looking forward to it.

"Falling for Eli: How I Lost Heart, Then Gained Hope Through the Love of a Singular Horse"

A true story (categorized as "memoir/pets") written by Nancy Shulins about her healing journey that began with a special horse named Eli.

 

Happy Friday!!! Have a blessed weekend!

Leadership

Leadership is something that has been on my heart for the last week or so.

A couple weeks ago I sat in a group of women at a Prayer & Dessert Fellowship at church as the only non-mom. The majority were around my age and had anywhere from 1-4 children. Then we had a few older moms who had already been at the stage my peers were going through.

As the women talked, I fought back tears. I couldn't have been more self-conscious or felt that I stood out more. When it came time to go around the circle and introduce ourselves I felt such dread. They are all in the threshold of child rearing full-time and I am in my new phase of life, back to working in an office full-time with no plans on the table for growing our family right now- "just living life" as I always say to people while I feel my heart get pricked.

So I shared about my current phase of life and how long my husband and I have been married (because I feel like that is an accomplishment!), and felt like a total odd-ball. Prayer request time was much the same. But I thought it was time to throw in, as if it wasn't obvious by that point in the evening (although the talk was so entrenched in motherhood and child rearing that they may not have even noticed?), that dh and I are Infertile. I hate that word. When it rolls off my tongue it feels foreign although it is the life we now know. The word that crushed our dreams. But I shared how I am currently on a "joy journey" and seeking God's will for my life as an individual, as dh is as well. And some things I am getting involved with in church, when one of the older women there prompted me to share.

What I didn't tell you yet is that I organized this evening and the ones that will follow once a month this summer. And to be honest, I am still not sure I am going to attend the next one. I am currently praying about that and working through how I feel. But I couldn't have been more encouraged when I shared this experience with my friend and women's ministry leader over lunch a few days later, and she told me with certainty that, "That is God preparing you for leadership." Wait. What?!  It seemed odd at first, but then it makes more sense as I talk to dh about it and read articles on leadership in the Church and throughout the bible. It's scary, but yet refreshing to think that God often times takes those individuals who are "different" than the rest, to refine them and set them apart in order to rise to a position of leadership.

Throughout the evening and as I left, I felt God's presence with me. In spite of my pain, I felt blessed that as a result of God laying such an event on my heart to organize, He was moving. Not exactly how I had planned, but how He did. I know that many of the women (a.k.a. moms) were blessed by this evening out and receiving encouragement from others through the openness and sharing that took place. I am thankful for that. I just am not sure that these gatherings are going to be a "healthy" place for me personally.

I am still figuring this concept of "leadership" out and most certainly will be, one step at a time for the rest of my life, but I just wanted to share a different perspective that maybe one of you haven't considered in your journey through struggles and pain. Something that was shared with me that shed some new light on my path.

....Another Butterfly Day

Last Sunday I took my camera to my parent's house and went for a walk around their property, capturing some of the beautiful images that can be found within their 2 acres (where I grew up). I was lucky to get to add to my butterfly photo collection with a couple shots...

“I tell of hearts and souls and dances...
Butterflies and second chances;
Desperate ones and dreamers bound,
Seeking life from barren ground,
Who suffer on in earthly fate
The bitter pain of agony hate,
Might but they stop and here forgive
Would break the bonds to breathe and live
And find that God in goodness brings
A chance for change, the hope of wings
To rest in Him, and self to die
And so become a butterfly.”

Karen Kingsbury

(from Ocean's Apart)

With Love on Mother's Day

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory."

Isaiah 61:3

Food, Faith & (in)Fertility.....and Friday

photo courtesy of Chris Campbell

 

I am going to start a new series on Fridays (as best I can) to post some things I have found or learned throughout the week related to the title of my blog. I hope you like it.


{Food}

Even someone who likes to cook gets bored in the kitchen once in a while (at least I do!). So in an effort to start incorporating some of the meat in our freezer already with only having to buy a little extra, I dug around for some new recipes and new ways to cook things. So far we have tried a few of the things and they were really yummy (and easy, healthy, not too time consuming, and budget friendly!) with enough for leftovers:

Orange-Chicken Rice Bowl (added extra juice and dressing)
Spaghetti Pie
Asian Skillet Supper (I quadrupled it since it is a single serving recipe)

For the sweet tooth (and BBQ at work last week):

Chocolate Cookie Pudding (omitted the nuts and added some gummy worms to the top)

{Faith}

While at work today a thought popped into my head about waiting. It was the famous quote, "Good things come to those who wait." Immediately the thought got turned around and it was a light bulb moment: 
Good things come through the waiting.

Just wanted to share.


{(in)Fertility}

I read this piece, "The New 'It Girls'....Give it Up for Non-Moms," the other day and it was really worth the read. I could relate to so many things...Even if you are not Infertile, it will help you understand the feelings of one who is. It is an interview between the blog author and a woman who did a study on women living without children after Infertility and the recovery from this traumatic loss. There is a link in this article for a 200 page dissertation which I downloaded but have not read yet, but this article gives some very good insight.


Happy Friday :)

Butterfly Days

I love butterflies. To me they symbolize so many things.

Second chances.
New life.
Hope.

They are such beautiful creatures with intricate designs. God's handiwork.

Given that I love butterflies so much, when I read Karen Kinsbury's book "Oceans Apart"  a while back, I fell in love with the scene in the book where a little boy names Max is sitting with his (unknown to him at the time) father, and they are fishing. Max has lost his mother in a tragic accident and is coming to terms with his loss as best a young child can when faced with such tragedy. A butterfly lands on his fishing pole and he shares with Mr. Evans (his father) the special meaning that butterflies had to him and his mom. They would often have "butterfly days" where he and his mom would sit and watch butterflies:

"She said that they prove that God gives second chances"

"Butterflies prove that?"

"Yeah, because a butterfly spends all those days as a callipillar, scooting on the ground. Did you know that?"

"I did." Mr. Evans eyes were serious. Max figured it was because he liked this story.

"Then one day"- Max stared at the butterfly- "one day he gets tired of scooting around, so he builds a little room and takes a nap there." Max made his voice quiet again because sometimes it would get loud when he told a good story. And the story of his special butterfly days was a very good one. "But know what the bestest part is, Mr. Evans?"

"What?" His face was closer now, because they both had shushed their words so the butterfly wouldn't leave.

"One day the callipillar wakes up and God has done an amazing thing. The callipillar shakes his shoulders a little, and what do you know? There's something on his back!" Max shook his back a very little to show Mr. Evans what he meant. The butterfly gave a big flap of his wings, but still he stayed on the fishing pole. "That thing is wings, Mr. Evans. And now the callipillar doesn't have to scoot around on the ground because-"

"Because he can fly." A smile came on Mr. Evans face. "And that's his second chance, right?"

"Yes." He blinked so he could see the butterfly better. "She said that one day soon we'd be together again and we'd never scoot around on the ground. Instead we would fly. Forever and ever we would fly."

I have had a couple "butterfly days" this week (my Joy Journal updated....check!). A flowering Crabapple tree at my work is home to a host of Red Admirals (and Bumble Bees!) right now, and I have seen many around our yard as well (but those ones seem to be faster fliers so no pics yet!). I also saw a Swallowtail butterfly on our house today, but that too alluded me just as I was about to snap a picture!! It was a beautiful day though as I just watched the butterflies and birds and thought how awesome is God to create such living things for our enjoyment!

I also read today that a warm winter like we had means more butterflies. Finally a silver-lining to not getting any snow (barely)!

Don't Ignore...Male Factor Infertility

Don’t ignore the man who hurts because his wife is hurting. She has just taken a pregnancy test for more times than he can count and it is negative. Again.

Don’t ignore the man who doesn’t have children when you are talking about yours. He would do anything to give his wife a houseful of them to fulfill her lifelong dream.

Don’t ignore the man who wishes he could take his wife’s pain away. This is the one thing he can’t fix. This is the one thing he feels that he is a failure at. He can succeed on the job and earn praise from management, but he can’t do anything in his power to succeed at growing his family.

Don’t ignore the man who begins to fear that he may be the cause of their now labeled Infertility, as months begin turning into years. He now must undergo embarrassing and unpleasant testing.

Don’t ignore the man who finds out the crushing news that he will never, ever, be able to father a child with his genetic makeup. He will never see his reflection in a precious baby’s face that he created with his wife.

Don’t ignore the man who doesn’t feel like being social because he is doing all he can to make it through another day of living after his world has crumbled down around him. Reach out to him. Leave him a voicemail if he doesn’t answer or send an email. Pray for him. Invite him to go out. He needs encouragement.

Don’t ignore the man who allows himself to be vulnerable in order to tell you he and his wife will never be able to have children. Realize that he has thought about adoption. Don’t dismiss or invalidate his grief by offering up options.
Just say “I’m sorry”.

Don’t ignore the fact that there is something called Male Factor Infertility (MFI). It is a very real cause of a man’s partner not being able to conceive but not many people, unless touched by Infertility themselves, realize or talk about it. It is a real cause of grief for both a man and a woman. It can cause a man to question his true manhood. There are many medical causes of Male Factor Infertility, which together, account for about 35% of all the cases of IF. Some of these causes the man is born with and can never, ever, be reversed. Some are due to imbalances of hormones or abnormalities of sperm, and the couple may have a chance at treating it in hopes of a pregnancy. Whatever the cause of the MFI, many, many times the issue remains undetected until a man tries to have children, unsuccessfully.

So…please don’t ignore the men that are hurting too and the fact that
Male Factor Infertility is a real medical condition.

___________________________________________

For more information on the disease of Infertility visit:

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

For more information about National Infertility Awareness Week & it's theme "Don't Ignore..." visit:

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Helpful Resource

Today the author on a website that dh and I have found great encouragement from over the past few years, posted a wonderful list of "things to say/not to say" to those who are hurting that can be applied to many situations, not just those dealing with IF, although that is what came to mind first. We've had several people say that they don't know what to say to us so they don't bring up our IF (pain) but there are many resources out there to help if this is how you feel. There are several situations I can think of that I have been able to be used to encourage, inspite of never experiencing the exact same thing before. Click here to read the list.

I struggle from time to time with posting things here trying to help others to realize what we need because I don't want to seem selfish, as I know everyone has their own struggles, and to be honest, I feel like it's a losing battle sometimes. But I started this blog to serve several purposes and one was helping others learn about what we are going through and how best to support those (not just us) going through IF, and to add to the growing number of voices speaking out about such a taboo subject. And really, many things that are helpful or not helpful for someone dealing with IF grief can be applied to many other forms of grief.

If infertility has taught us anything, it's that we are to "grieve with those who grieve". And what a lesson in grace and mercy it has been for us as well!

And thank you to those who do encourage us and haven't forgotten. It means a lot. One of my fears is that people will think it doesn't hurt anymore and think we are "over it" because it's been a couple years since we found out our devastating news. But there is always a part of us that will be scarred no matter how much time has passed or what our next step is.

I hope that you find the post in reference to be of help to you.

*photo courtesy of my wonderful dh :)

Blessings

This past weekend dh and I had the opportunity to volunteer at a church camp for a couple days and then we took advantage of being in the vicinity of one of our favorite Bed and Breakfasts for a couple more nights. When a co-worker asked me how my vacation was when I returned to the office yesterday, I told her it was one of the best ones we've had in a long time! We were "tired" but a good tired! Relaxed.

We had fun serving God at camp (even though I had to wear a dust mask and stand on a ladder for my entire afternoon wiping cobwebs off of ceiling beams- and some onto me!), we met some new friends who were there to serve as well (actually dh has known the husband for a while now, we both just met the wife though- a very, very cool girl my age- they have 2 adorable little girls) and I know we'll be friends for a long, long time. Meeting new "couple" friends is something that doesn't happen often for us- where dh clicks with the husband and I with the wife. Usually it's one or the other. But God has blessed us with a couple of couples like this lately. They all have common threads of similar interests and hobbies (if not identical!), and are actually, dare I say it here, one of the few in our lives (and the Church for that matter) who know what the second half of Romans 12:15 truly means.

Dh and I also had many deep and meaningful conversations about our life and love and God. It was a super nice weekend that brings to life the "treasures in darkness" and "autumn rains" that God enables us to experience during dry times. And for that I am grateful. Very, very grateful.

It was a great week! Oh, and it actually looked like winter where we went.....and it snowed here today :-)

Friday Favorite

I have wanted to start a "favorite places" page on my blog but haven't gotten around to it yet. So here is another link to a website that I have found great encouragement in over the past year.

http://www.joniandfriends.org/

If you aren't familiar with Joni Eareckson Tada, here is a short snippet from her bio found on her website:

Joni Eareckson Tada, the founder and Chief Executive Officer of Joni and Friends, is an international advocate for people with disabilities. A diving accident in 1967 left Joni Eareckson, then 17, a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, unable to use her hands. After two years of rehabilitation, she emerged with new skills and a fresh determination to help others in similar situations.

I have mentioned before on here that there are many similarities that can be drawn between someone with a chronic illness or disability and IF (or other chronic hardships). Her daily devotions are a source of much encouragement (received via email). Today's spoke about those particular hardships that just won't go away. (There isn't an archive that I've found so it may be changed when you go there.)

Here is a link to her favorite quotes page: http://www.joniandfriends.org/jonis-corner/jonis-favorite-quotes/


Happy Friday!!!

Nerve Blocks

I didn't know what one was until I was in pre-op with dh last year when he had shoulder surgery. I was very intrigued. It was amazing to me that they could administer an anesthetic to just a specific set of nerves to temporarily control the pain.

Today is one of those days I wish we could have one of those administered to block the pain of IF. The feelings of being so inadequate and out of place. The feelings that it is us who is just supposed to "get over it" because it's been long enough and we are in the minority so we just need to "deal with it". That there are people who have it worse than us.

It's a cruddy feeling to be in a predicament that you had NO part in bringing on and have NO power to change the outcome.

Sometimes it tiring trying to be strong and you just want a break. You just want some sensitivity from others. You just want to be "normal".

It's days like today that remind us, yet again, that this world is not our home. We long for that place where "He will wipe every tear from (our) eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever," Revelation 21:4.

On My Reading List...

I love books. And I have a lot of them. I've actually had to tone down my collecting of books addiction because of the following: I don't always finish them in a timely manner. Not that they are due at the library or anything and that's one reason why I like to buy them (most of the time at thrift stores because you can't beat 3/$1!!). Because there is no pressure to finish them, quickly, there isn't as much motivation. Sure, I intend to read them all one day. But many books I'll just read parts of and put back on the shelf. No due date. No hurry. It actually kind of drives me nuts, but sometimes I am just on a quick treasure hunt for a gem of wisdom or a quote that I can relate to.

Well last night on one of my "treasure hunts" I found the following quote in the book Mourning into Dancing by Walter Wangerin, Jr., that I think is perfect for describing IF and the many other various trials we face in this life and I wanted to share:

"Death doesn't wait till the ends of our lives to meet us and to make an end. Instead, we die a hundred times before we die; and all the little endings on the way are like a slowly growing echo of the final Bang! before that band takes place. It's like turning the record backward. Each lesser echo, each little death, has not only its own immediate sorrow; it draws fear and horror from the absoluteness of the last end, the real slamming of the door, the mortal and eternal BANG!" (1)

It's one of those quotes that I feel I can point to, to try and describe how it feels to be faced with the certainty, the finality, of our IF diagnosis when it's difficult to find the words ourselves.



1. Walter Wangerin, Jr., Mourning into Dancing (Grand Rapids,MI: Zondervan,1992), 26.

Good Article from an Adoptive IF Mom

This week an article was brought to my attention that resonated with me:

http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/blogs/post/infertility-feelings-after-adoption/

We obviously are not on the "other side" yet (if that is the Lord's will for our family), but it was nice to hear the thoughts that this IF mother shared on her adoption experience. The fact that we don't have to "get over it" in order to move closer in that direction, was both encouraging and affirming.

Sometimes it's easy to feel like others are viewing us under a microscope and think we should be "over it" in order to pursue adoption or we would just be using adoption as a band aid for our IF. This is so far from the truth! So I was very happy to read this article. It took some of the pressure off myself to feel that I had to be attending baby showers and holding everyone's newborn in order to pass the "pre-adoption test".

Very good read, worth the time.

Sometimes I feel...

source

....it's hard to put into words what is on my mind.
....that the world has moved on and doesn't acknowledge our loss of a dream.
....that others think if I show that I have moved forward in the grief/acceptance process of our loss, they will think I have given up on the dream of parenthood.
....that others will give up any sensitivity they may have had towards our childless state, if they see me moving on.
....that I might never get to hug my own child or be called mom.
....that we will be all alone at the end of our lives.
....that being around children and rooms full of happy people just magnifies what we don't have. To both us and others.
....that others have moved on, as is expected, and we are "stuck".
...that others may never understand what it is like to be dealt such a blow, and I know I can't expect them to know exactly.

And it hurts.

Healing Balm

courtesy of flickr

"If you suffer any kind of loss, don't try to get your arms around it. Let God get His arms around you. He knows your suffering and will give you the comfort of His presence and the healing balm of His love."
~Stormie Omartian

Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Dreams

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it’s the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold, and it’s enough to break your heart."
~in “3 Weeks with My Brother” by Nicholas Sparks

So perfectly said.

Being Well

Sometimes you read a book that you can't stop shaking your head in agreement with. Right now I am reading that book. It is called "Being Well When We're Ill: Wholeness and Hope in Spite of Infirmity" by Marva J. Dawn. I feel like I am sitting down with a friend over coffee, shaking my head in agreement because I can relate to so much of what she is saying. It is a non-fiction book written by a woman who is dealing with many chronic ailments and sorting through what that means in the spiritual realm of things. So many parallels can be made between chronic illnesses and infertility. So many. The questioning; the isolation (whether on purpose or not); the questioning some more; the dealing with doctors and insurance companies (or lack of coverage); the depression; working through acceptance. Just to name a few. A main theme woven throughout the 12 out of 21 chapters I have read so far is Loss. Losses that can't be recovered. (Early on in the book she even makes mention of the loss of the dream of parenthood for her and her husband.)

Lately, the chapters I have read are so timely. The one was about loneliness and the other about worry. I like how the author goes through so many different areas of our lives and how they are effected by what we are going through. It is a very thorough depiction of losing something, and coming to terms with that something, that you have no control over happening in the first place.

When I finish this book I want to do a more detailed review here, but for now I just wanted to share a little about it in case anyone else wanted to check it out.