Myth Busting Monday

Myth: We don't know what our options are for bringing a child into our family.


I have had a couple myth busting posts start rattling around in my head again. This one is right up there with the most annoying things someone could say to us. When someone finds out that we are infertile and decides to start listing off all the things we could try. Or lists off these things as questions! "Have you tried _______ ?" "What about ______ ?" "You know you could try _____ ?" Really? I didn't know. We haven't thought about that before and I'm so glad I had that conversation with you since you solved our childless state! Also, it's probably best, unless you know a lot about an IF couple's diagnosis or personal beliefs, to spare yourself the embarrassment of rattling off all the impossible possibilities.

Now I do realize this post has a bit of sarcasm, or a slightly harsh tone to it, but nothing is more upsetting some days to us then being bombarded by these questions and comments like we are some ignorant infertile couple! And I am sure many reading this will have the common sense to not do these things, and we so, so, appreciate that, but I really have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact when someone wants to try and solve our infertility in a 10 minute conversation. We've been dealing with this for years now! We may have just told you for the first time, but I think we have thought of everything you are going to say, so it really is best just to move the conversation on to a different topic if our infertility comes into it :) Or if you ask us how we are doing and we feel like sharing, please don't push. Just listen. And pray for us or even with us. If you have a specific question, ask because you don't know, not because you are pretending you know. And if we feel like sharing we will.

Part 2 of this post is the stories that begin "I knew so and so...". If a story is going to start like that, please don't share. It does nothing to help us feel any better. Especially if you are insinuating that we don't have enough faith, aren't praying hard enough, or we just have to be patient. In fact, we will most likely walk away from the conversation feeling worse than when it started. Please just tell us you will be praying or that you are sorry. If we want to know if you know of any miracle stories, we will ask.

Myth Busting (etc.)

Hey there!

We've had a very crazy, busy, last week and by the time of the evening that I get around to potentially blogging, I just shut the computer down and head for bed :)

I've also been working in my garden a little (had to dust the plants last weekend since we weren't sure why the leaves on the green bean seedlings were disappearing, put up the tomato cages last night and planted some more green bean seeds- since doing the dusting we have highly suspected that the culprit is birds so I placed some shiny things around the garden to try and deter them). But I'm so excited to see the plants finally growing and spreading in just the few weeks since planting them! I didn't really notice it until this week since I check it almost every day, analyzing the leaves and any other changes I need to make note of in order to ensure we have an abundant harvest. And.....I've discovered that my worry wort nature is now manifesting itself in my gardening, not good. I need to work on that ;) Dh has reminded me that I need to pray about it (as he often does when I am worried about something), because God is the Master Gardener! How true is that!?

In the midst of all that we have going on I have had a myth busting post forming in my head. The topic being that we are not a family since we don't have children.

It seems everywhere we go, family is defined as including children. Maybe because it seems to imply more than just a "couple" of people. Maybe because infertiles are in the minority and a childless/free couple whether by choice or not (in our case) are not in the norm. Usually it is the exact opposite...We have even been told this before, that we are not a family. And it hurts. It also implies that in order to be complete you must have children and obviously, it's not possible for some couples.

So it takes a little getting used to the idea that a husband and wife are a family and are complete. But God says it is so. "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them," (Genesis 1:27) and then before any children were even conceived God stood back and looked at everything He had created and saw that it was complete. Complete. No children had been born yet, but the man and woman that He had created were complete without children.

I don't know what our family will look like in the end, but for now I have to trust God and rest in the fact that on our wedding day, our family was made complete, whether or not our family ever increases in members.

Myth Busting Will Resume Shortly...

In case you were wondering where it was yesterday, I do have one in mind that I need to write up (amongst other things on my 'to write about on my blog' list!). It's been a crazy last couple days. I will have it done shortly :)

Write to you later!

Myth Busting Monday

"There must be some sin in your life (past or present), that's why you can't have children..."

I have never had this personally said to me, but I have heard this said to others in the IF community, and as someone who is childless not by choice, it makes me sad to think that is a idea that people have about those of us. It is a lie that Satan wants us and others to believe and it is so not true. And if the lie ever starts creeping into my head, I have to immediately remind myself of this verse, which sums up all the busting this myth needs. (It is in John 9 when Jesus' disciples have the misconception that a blind man or his parent's sinned and that is why he was born blind.) :

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' 3 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.'" (John 9:1-3)

And if this was true, for instance, what about all the "undesireable" circumstances that we are all familiar with that babies are born into? It just doesn't add up. We are all born into sin. It is God's grace that allows any of us to take our next breath. When we accept Christ's gift of salvation, we are forgiven. The curse is broken.

I love verse 3 of this passage. We know (or I should say, as I have come to learn and understand) that everything that happens to us good and bad in this life, first passes through the hands of God. So if He allowed something to happen to us that is undesireable, we know because it states here, that He wants to display His works through us in these difficult circumstances.

He is working everything together for His good. For His glory.

Myth Busting Monday, etc.

Happy Memorial Day everyone! Today dh and I got our garden plot all dug up and tilled, and the fencing up almost all they way, all in the hot sun, whew! So excited to get everything planted tomorrow. This is our 7th Spring/Summer in our house and I have always wanted to do a garden. Fresh, healthy food right outside our back door and a project to focus on all summer. I hope to learn how to do canning this Fall (I bought a Pickling Cucumber plant!) and will definitely freeze some of the produce. Very excited (did I mention?)!

Well, the myth I would like to bust today is, we can just adopt, since we can't have genetic children. But unfortunately, nobody can just adopt. It is an option available to both the infertile and fertile, but it isn't that simple and I don't know if it is just lack of knowledge of all that goes into adopting a child or what needs to be worked through in order to get to that point if you are infertile, or an understanding of the money needed for certain types of adoptions...

We may adopt. One day. But for now we can't just adopt and to be told that very phrase feels like people are dismissing the fact that what we are mourning is real. And adoption is not a simple solution. It is much more complicated than that.

Myth Busting Monday...on Tuesday ;-)

I had a crazy day yesterday and didn't get around to posting this week's myth. This one is one that is also amongst the top things infertile couples dislike hearing (particularly women because that is who it is said to, although I know dh never liked hearing it said to me)..."Just relax!". This myth is founded on the premise that some women's bodies, when under stress (ie. not that not getting pg as fast as first anticipated could be stressful), it can delay ovulation which would in turn cause fewer chances of a pg being able to have a chance at happening. But in reality here are a few statistics (from www.resolve.org):

35% of the time it is the male who has an issue preventing pregnancy, 20% of the time it is a combined issue in both partners, 10% nothing can be found in either partner as to why a pg is not occurring, which leaves 35% of the time it is the female with an issue preventing a pg.

So, given the stats, there are many things that make this difficult to hear for the 45% of women that have gone through different medical tests at the start of the investigation and nothing appears wrong (given 35% of IF issues are the caused by the male, and 10% unexplained because a cause can't be found in either partner). Ovulation is occurring on a monthly/regular basis, hormone levels are where they should be in order to sustain a pregnancy, and everything looks good from the anatomical side of things. So when they hear "just relax", it either makes the woman want to go into a sex-ed lesson on how the female reproductive system works and how relaxing would do nothing to help their situation or how her relaxing would do nothing for an issue that her husband might have that is preventing a pg. It really is such a silly thing to say to someone having fertility issues. And given that this is an "us" issue, nobody really wants to have to explain anything nor should they feel they have to.

And for the 35-55% of women who have the sole or part medical issue preventing a pregnancy from occurring or being sustained, this would be on the same level of telling a cancer patient to "just relax" so they can be cured! So silly again.

Of course you hear the stories of couples going on vacations, relaxing, and coming back pregnant. Yes, that does happen. Rarely though. And hearing such a story is not helpful to an infertile couple. Many times romantic getaways are planned when the woman knows she isn't going to be on her period, therefore could very likely be nearing her fertile time of the month, and when it is a romantic getaway.....A+B, can equal C.

If only "relaxing" could fix every infertiles issue...

Myth Busting Monday

A big myth that has been on both our minds, mine and dh's, ever since this journey began was that people perceive that we don't like kids. We've even had that said of us. And I can see how someone might think that if they didn't know we were going through IF and even if they did, if they have never walked this road.

And in talking to different people about our IF this past year, and really trying to understand why people think what they think about those who struggle with IF, a main point I have taken away from conversations is that people just don't get how unintentionally hurtful someone else's joy (as in a new birth, or seeing their children in front of church singing) could make me, an infertile, sad? Some people even think that being around babies and children can help take away the sadness and longing unfulfilled. And I just want to say, it's not that it's those things in and of themselves that make us sad. It is the reminder. The reminder that it is something we can truly only observe from the outside. We have not, cannot, and will not ever know some of the things that we saw other's our age begin to experience literally a handful of years ago. Something that should be so natural as being able to have a child with the one you love. And it hurts. It hurts right now. And it may continue to hurt for quite some time, maybe not to the same extent, but these things will always be a reminder.

When we get invited to a kid centered event (or I get a baby shower invite) we are going to politely decline in most cases. It does not mean we don't like you, or like children. We just don't want to be in a situation that makes it more painfully obvious to us what we are unable to experience and relate to. We are not selfish. We are self-preserving. And we will continue to push ourselves, to "test the waters", putting ourselves in situations that we typically would not since we've been experiencing infertility. Yesterday was a good example of this. And we were so proud of ourselves. Literally, it felt like an accomplishment to go somewhere with lots of little ones and actually emerge from the gathering having had an enjoyable time. (Twinges of sadness...yes, of course.) But this is going to be a process and one we must go through on the path to healing.

We really do like kids or we wouldn't want one so badly ourselves.

Myth Busting Monday

Well we survived MD! I think next year dh and I will plan to go to a Bed and Breakfast or some little getaway though, to escape from the world and try and better relax. We thought since we had a lot going on and were seeing both our moms at separate events this weekend, we would plan to do nothing much at all, but we couldn't even go get an ice cream without seeing a sign "Free Ice cream Sundae for all Mom's" (in the words of dh...well I won't repeat it, but it was pretty funny!), and we couldn't even go 200 feet without seeing a "Happy Mother's Day" wish on all the electronic signs businesses have out by the road.

But anyways, moving on, today is a new day! And it's Myth Busting Monday. I apologize in advance if this comes across as harsh. This blog as stated before is a place to help others who are not aware of how seemingly innocent comments are interpreted by an infertile, which leads me to this week's "myth". It is another response to the dreaded "Do you have kids?" question. It is, "Enjoy your time together just the 2 of you, before you have them because things will change". I realize that is more of a statement so the myth is that our time is "enjoyable" while longing for children and grieving the loss of having biological children and all that that entails.

For us we found out rather quickly once we started investigating, that we would not be able to conceive, and that we only had one treatment option we could attempt to attempt. But for many fellow infertiles this "enjoyable" time without children constitutes of testing and testing and more testing. And attempts at multiple procedures. And the waiting. And the cycle of grief that repeats every month. Nothing about that is enjoyable, so such a follow-up comment is better left unsaid, especially if the couple is not newlywed. As in they have told you they have been married for almost 8 years. At that point it might just be safer to assume they are infertile to be on the safe side...And the "things are going to change" part of it...Really?? I think as an infertile you have likely spent more time than anyone thinking of all the changes...

In conclusion, there are many wonderful things about being a family of two. But when you want children and can't have them you would gladly give these things up, or in a heartbeat learn how to adapt to the changes that a child would bring into your life. And again, I think people just don't know how to respond if someone says no, and quickly try to think of something to say to make conversation. I get that. I realize that if someone hasn't walked this road, why would such a seemingly innocent statement be given a second thought? And it's for these reasons that my grace-giving muscle will continue to be exercised and challenged on this journey.

Myth Busting Monday

I think I am going to post a myth associated with IF each Monday and try to bust it the best I can. I was inspired by National IF Awareness Week last week that had bloggers trying to explain why certain things we hear are not always "helpful" in order to help spread awareness of the medical issues and emotions involved with being infertile, and also the questions we ask ourselves and lies we sometimes believe from a spiritual aspect and have to sort through.

So today's is the first thing that I ever remember hearing when we first started ttc (short for trying to conceive) that struck me the wrong way (and believe me going through IF has definitely been a channel through which I am learning an ongoing lesson on how to be a "grace giver"). We were probably a year and a half in (so 4 years ago) and we were at a gathering when someone must have asked us if we had kids yet, and I said, "No, not yet" (which now is usually just shortened to "no" in hopes that it ends there) but anyways, the reply I got was, "Oh, well you're still young". Umm, what did you just say??? Seems pretty harmless to the 7 in 8 who are not infertile in this world, I get that, but at that point we had no idea that what was going on (just that at that point we were Infertile by definition of not being able to conceive after 1 year of not preventing, and that we would be told several years later that we had "pretty much a 0% chance of ever conceiving naturally" in the exact words of the doctor). And what does age have to do with having such an incredible desire to grow your family, and not be able to, whether you've been trying for 6 months or 6 years? It doesn't. But I get that people don't know what to say so it just comes naturally to say the first thing that comes to mind. I get that.

But to an infertile, all we feel is our hurt being wadded up like a piece of paper, thrown on the ground, and stomped on. Our feelings being disregarded, invalidated, and brushed aside. Like I said, I know that when people say things like that they don't intend to cause pain and that is where grace comes in. But part of my having this blog is to spread awareness and to help lessen the pain experienced in converations and situations involving those who have never walked this road. My every intent is to do so in love, but I do want people to be aware of how things that seem so innocent, to someone who is trying to have a baby and can't it doesn't feel that way. So when someone tells you they don't have children (yet), or are even telling you about a recent dx, please don't follow-up with the dreaded "You're still young" and move on to the next topic of conversation. Because whether I am 19 or 29, infertile means infertile.