Myth Busting Monday, etc.

Happy Memorial Day everyone! Today dh and I got our garden plot all dug up and tilled, and the fencing up almost all they way, all in the hot sun, whew! So excited to get everything planted tomorrow. This is our 7th Spring/Summer in our house and I have always wanted to do a garden. Fresh, healthy food right outside our back door and a project to focus on all summer. I hope to learn how to do canning this Fall (I bought a Pickling Cucumber plant!) and will definitely freeze some of the produce. Very excited (did I mention?)!

Well, the myth I would like to bust today is, we can just adopt, since we can't have genetic children. But unfortunately, nobody can just adopt. It is an option available to both the infertile and fertile, but it isn't that simple and I don't know if it is just lack of knowledge of all that goes into adopting a child or what needs to be worked through in order to get to that point if you are infertile, or an understanding of the money needed for certain types of adoptions...

We may adopt. One day. But for now we can't just adopt and to be told that very phrase feels like people are dismissing the fact that what we are mourning is real. And adoption is not a simple solution. It is much more complicated than that.

Proverbs 16:9

"A man’s heart plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps."

Myth Busting Monday...on Tuesday ;-)

I had a crazy day yesterday and didn't get around to posting this week's myth. This one is one that is also amongst the top things infertile couples dislike hearing (particularly women because that is who it is said to, although I know dh never liked hearing it said to me)..."Just relax!". This myth is founded on the premise that some women's bodies, when under stress (ie. not that not getting pg as fast as first anticipated could be stressful), it can delay ovulation which would in turn cause fewer chances of a pg being able to have a chance at happening. But in reality here are a few statistics (from www.resolve.org):

35% of the time it is the male who has an issue preventing pregnancy, 20% of the time it is a combined issue in both partners, 10% nothing can be found in either partner as to why a pg is not occurring, which leaves 35% of the time it is the female with an issue preventing a pg.

So, given the stats, there are many things that make this difficult to hear for the 45% of women that have gone through different medical tests at the start of the investigation and nothing appears wrong (given 35% of IF issues are the caused by the male, and 10% unexplained because a cause can't be found in either partner). Ovulation is occurring on a monthly/regular basis, hormone levels are where they should be in order to sustain a pregnancy, and everything looks good from the anatomical side of things. So when they hear "just relax", it either makes the woman want to go into a sex-ed lesson on how the female reproductive system works and how relaxing would do nothing to help their situation or how her relaxing would do nothing for an issue that her husband might have that is preventing a pg. It really is such a silly thing to say to someone having fertility issues. And given that this is an "us" issue, nobody really wants to have to explain anything nor should they feel they have to.

And for the 35-55% of women who have the sole or part medical issue preventing a pregnancy from occurring or being sustained, this would be on the same level of telling a cancer patient to "just relax" so they can be cured! So silly again.

Of course you hear the stories of couples going on vacations, relaxing, and coming back pregnant. Yes, that does happen. Rarely though. And hearing such a story is not helpful to an infertile couple. Many times romantic getaways are planned when the woman knows she isn't going to be on her period, therefore could very likely be nearing her fertile time of the month, and when it is a romantic getaway.....A+B, can equal C.

If only "relaxing" could fix every infertiles issue...

Isaiah 30:15

“In returning and rest you shall be saved;
In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.”

Myth Busting Monday

A big myth that has been on both our minds, mine and dh's, ever since this journey began was that people perceive that we don't like kids. We've even had that said of us. And I can see how someone might think that if they didn't know we were going through IF and even if they did, if they have never walked this road.

And in talking to different people about our IF this past year, and really trying to understand why people think what they think about those who struggle with IF, a main point I have taken away from conversations is that people just don't get how unintentionally hurtful someone else's joy (as in a new birth, or seeing their children in front of church singing) could make me, an infertile, sad? Some people even think that being around babies and children can help take away the sadness and longing unfulfilled. And I just want to say, it's not that it's those things in and of themselves that make us sad. It is the reminder. The reminder that it is something we can truly only observe from the outside. We have not, cannot, and will not ever know some of the things that we saw other's our age begin to experience literally a handful of years ago. Something that should be so natural as being able to have a child with the one you love. And it hurts. It hurts right now. And it may continue to hurt for quite some time, maybe not to the same extent, but these things will always be a reminder.

When we get invited to a kid centered event (or I get a baby shower invite) we are going to politely decline in most cases. It does not mean we don't like you, or like children. We just don't want to be in a situation that makes it more painfully obvious to us what we are unable to experience and relate to. We are not selfish. We are self-preserving. And we will continue to push ourselves, to "test the waters", putting ourselves in situations that we typically would not since we've been experiencing infertility. Yesterday was a good example of this. And we were so proud of ourselves. Literally, it felt like an accomplishment to go somewhere with lots of little ones and actually emerge from the gathering having had an enjoyable time. (Twinges of sadness...yes, of course.) But this is going to be a process and one we must go through on the path to healing.

We really do like kids or we wouldn't want one so badly ourselves.

20x30

Currently I am on a self-imposed journey of losing 20 lbs. by the time I turn 30. I have a little under a year to do it. I would like to lose a few more pounds than that but I feel that this is a reasonable and atainable goal to have and if I reach it I will be very happy :-)

So what have I been doing to reach that goal? I have been trying to do things that seem realistic and "doable" to me. I'm trying to eat less, eat more fruits and veggies, drink more water, exercise more and just be generally more active. I jumped off the exercise wagon recently and am trying to get back on. I've also had fun looking at cookbooks with healthier versions of classics and recipes that use ingredients I've never used before.

I'm also trying to get my hands on a copy of this book which I think will also help me long-term in this endeavor.

So here's to 20x30!

Myth Busting Monday

Well we survived MD! I think next year dh and I will plan to go to a Bed and Breakfast or some little getaway though, to escape from the world and try and better relax. We thought since we had a lot going on and were seeing both our moms at separate events this weekend, we would plan to do nothing much at all, but we couldn't even go get an ice cream without seeing a sign "Free Ice cream Sundae for all Mom's" (in the words of dh...well I won't repeat it, but it was pretty funny!), and we couldn't even go 200 feet without seeing a "Happy Mother's Day" wish on all the electronic signs businesses have out by the road.

But anyways, moving on, today is a new day! And it's Myth Busting Monday. I apologize in advance if this comes across as harsh. This blog as stated before is a place to help others who are not aware of how seemingly innocent comments are interpreted by an infertile, which leads me to this week's "myth". It is another response to the dreaded "Do you have kids?" question. It is, "Enjoy your time together just the 2 of you, before you have them because things will change". I realize that is more of a statement so the myth is that our time is "enjoyable" while longing for children and grieving the loss of having biological children and all that that entails.

For us we found out rather quickly once we started investigating, that we would not be able to conceive, and that we only had one treatment option we could attempt to attempt. But for many fellow infertiles this "enjoyable" time without children constitutes of testing and testing and more testing. And attempts at multiple procedures. And the waiting. And the cycle of grief that repeats every month. Nothing about that is enjoyable, so such a follow-up comment is better left unsaid, especially if the couple is not newlywed. As in they have told you they have been married for almost 8 years. At that point it might just be safer to assume they are infertile to be on the safe side...And the "things are going to change" part of it...Really?? I think as an infertile you have likely spent more time than anyone thinking of all the changes...

In conclusion, there are many wonderful things about being a family of two. But when you want children and can't have them you would gladly give these things up, or in a heartbeat learn how to adapt to the changes that a child would bring into your life. And again, I think people just don't know how to respond if someone says no, and quickly try to think of something to say to make conversation. I get that. I realize that if someone hasn't walked this road, why would such a seemingly innocent statement be given a second thought? And it's for these reasons that my grace-giving muscle will continue to be exercised and challenged on this journey.

MD

photo courtesy of Flickr

MD, short for Mother's Day. The upcoming holiday that no infertile woman (or man) can escape. Several weeks of advertisements on the television, radio, grocery store, you name it, everything centers around this holiday in the days leading up to it. I honestly don't think I've been to church on MD for quite a few years now due to the recognition and praise of an identity I have been denied and the discomfort that it brings. I have many mixed emotions about this day. On one hand I don't want to dishonor my own mother (or MIL and other relatives who are moms) who deserves much praise and honor for the woman she is, and job she has done in being such a great mom, but this day can be such a painful reminder of what I am not. I honestly don't know when I will ever be able to attend church on that day. Even if I become a mom one day, I feel like IF has tainted my view of it. I wish the church (and the rest of the world) would honor women as a whole if they must honor someone on that Sunday in May, as MD can be painful to many different women, not just the infertile. The single woman; the woman who has dealt with the loss of a child either through death or distance (that can be either relationally or due to the miles that separate them); or even the woman who never had a good relationship with her mother or whose mother has passed away.

I do not wish to take away someone else's joy, and I certainly don't want to try and draw attention away from such a recognition when I am in the minority. It is just one of those things that through infertile lenses, you have a different perspective on and it is easy to feel forgotten and insignificant in the midst of such a celebration.

If you are wondering then what you should do this weekend for a woman who is infertile here are a couple ideas that come to mind. Send her a card or email and let her know you are thinking about her; try to be understanding when she tells you she won't be in church due to the fact that it is MD; if she is in church, give her a hug and understand that any tears that fall are a result of a broken heart in the midst of so many "in your face" reminders (and please don't give her any "helpful advice", a hug will go a long ways).

Myth Busting Monday

I think I am going to post a myth associated with IF each Monday and try to bust it the best I can. I was inspired by National IF Awareness Week last week that had bloggers trying to explain why certain things we hear are not always "helpful" in order to help spread awareness of the medical issues and emotions involved with being infertile, and also the questions we ask ourselves and lies we sometimes believe from a spiritual aspect and have to sort through.

So today's is the first thing that I ever remember hearing when we first started ttc (short for trying to conceive) that struck me the wrong way (and believe me going through IF has definitely been a channel through which I am learning an ongoing lesson on how to be a "grace giver"). We were probably a year and a half in (so 4 years ago) and we were at a gathering when someone must have asked us if we had kids yet, and I said, "No, not yet" (which now is usually just shortened to "no" in hopes that it ends there) but anyways, the reply I got was, "Oh, well you're still young". Umm, what did you just say??? Seems pretty harmless to the 7 in 8 who are not infertile in this world, I get that, but at that point we had no idea that what was going on (just that at that point we were Infertile by definition of not being able to conceive after 1 year of not preventing, and that we would be told several years later that we had "pretty much a 0% chance of ever conceiving naturally" in the exact words of the doctor). And what does age have to do with having such an incredible desire to grow your family, and not be able to, whether you've been trying for 6 months or 6 years? It doesn't. But I get that people don't know what to say so it just comes naturally to say the first thing that comes to mind. I get that.

But to an infertile, all we feel is our hurt being wadded up like a piece of paper, thrown on the ground, and stomped on. Our feelings being disregarded, invalidated, and brushed aside. Like I said, I know that when people say things like that they don't intend to cause pain and that is where grace comes in. But part of my having this blog is to spread awareness and to help lessen the pain experienced in converations and situations involving those who have never walked this road. My every intent is to do so in love, but I do want people to be aware of how things that seem so innocent, to someone who is trying to have a baby and can't it doesn't feel that way. So when someone tells you they don't have children (yet), or are even telling you about a recent dx, please don't follow-up with the dreaded "You're still young" and move on to the next topic of conversation. Because whether I am 19 or 29, infertile means infertile.

Grief is a funny thing....

One thing IF (short for Infertility) has shown me is that one moment, or day or week, I might be feeling totally fine (well as fine as I could possibly be- content might be a better word) about our unwanted state of childlessness and the next moment something I see or happen to think about, or hear, reminds me of our reality once again. That we can't have children. That there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can do about it. And if it's the right moment, there I go, back into the downward spiral. One thing we have said to each other, dh (what I'll refer to my "darling/dear husband" as) and I, is that sometimes it just totally hits us. That we are so powerless to change our circumstances. So. Incredibly. Powerless. It might be while we are out driving around and hear a song that reminds us of what we don't have, or will possibly never have. Or we hear yet another pg (pregnancy) announcement from a couple that got married several years after us (or not) and is expecting #2. Or a co-worker is sharing pictures of their little ones around the office.

Part of the grief process is coming to the realization that you and your spouse will never co-create a child with both of your genetics. We will never see that little red-headed boy following daddy around "helping" to fix things and getting wet kisses from the family dog. Or a little brown-haired girl with chubby cheeks and high cheekbones, baking cookies with mom in the kitchen. And I realize that genetics are not what always makes a family, it's the relationships. And adoption is something that is a possibility down the road. But for now, it is grieving the child we were never able to create, that we had in our hearts for so long. One quote that I came across a while ago sums it up so incredibly well:

"But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words "to mourn an absence". For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only "I am sorry for your loss". But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" (from "Spoken from the Heart" by Laura Bush)

Those missing babies. Those sweet little babies who many of us will only know in our hearts...